So I was perusing a horse products catalog, because there is just a ton of stuff we need. We’ve been getting things a little bit at a time since we got Valentine. Some of it I know we need, and some of it I’m sure “real” horse people would laugh at. I’ve gotten various grooming supplies, and both Valentine and I enjoy the grooming sessions. I just ordered a bridle/halter/reins combo; but, alas, we don’t have a saddle yet. Soon, I hope.
Here are some things in the catalog that I won’t be ordering:
Surgical supplies. Should you really be performing your own equine surgery? Really?
Breeding hobbles. Okay, yes, my horse is a gelding so this doesn’t apply to him at all – but is it really fair to hobble a mare so she can’t get away? Doesn’t she have any say in this at all? What if she doesn’t like his cologne? Maybe they don’t have anything in common. Maybe she just wants to get to know him better. Maybe she’s just not that kind of girl.
Sheath cleaner. If you have to clean your gelding’s sheath to be a horse person, I guess I never will be, because I can’t see a day coming where I’d be okay with cleaning his sheath. And Bill has flatly refused to have anything to do with another guy’s sheath.
LOL, this is a great blog…You can bet I will be popping over every so often
We are neighbors it seems as well. Im in Sevierville/ Pigeon Forge area. If you ever need a hand with anything horsey or just want to chat, just give a yell! I put my email addy in
I have been around and owned them, not to mention my work is with them, most of my life and am part of a horse rescue as well. Im always looking for new friends in my area involved with horses.
Go to Horseyville.com and check out our message boards and say hello! I am Trinity there as well as Horse City. Theres some cool local folks on there into horses that like to get together and ride. The site I posted in the reply website space is to the local rescue I am involved in. It is new, but up and comming. Website is under maintenece frequently right now so be sure to check back.
Here is instuctions for the dreaded sheath cleaning. It unfortunatly IS a mandatory thing as it can get infected and the bean can cause blockages lol. Prime reason I have a mare
Although I still have to clean the gelding where I work lol.
Mr. Hand
1) Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends, elderly neighbors, or Brownie troops with a line of sight to the proceedings. Though of course they’re probably going to show up unexpectedly ANYWAY once you’re in the middle of things. Prepare a good explanation.
2) Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your sense of humor (plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps thin rubber gloves).
3) Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant wet. Uh, that is, do this in a *civilized* fashion with due warning to the horse; he is apt to take offense if an icy-cold hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions
4) Now introduce your horse to Mr Hand . What I find safest is to stand facing the horse’s head, with my shoulder and hip snugly against the horse’s thigh and hip so that if he makes any suspicious move such as raising his leg, I can feel it right away and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove, not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or by your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to crossties. He may shift around a good bit if he’s not happy with Mr Hand’s antics, but don’t be put off by that; as long as you are patient and gradual, and stick close to his side, he’ll get over it.
Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a direct grab for your horse’s Part. Give the horse a clue about what’s on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then slide it back til you are entering The Home of the Actual Private Part. When you reach this first region of your destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you’re using.
If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal.
5) Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath. The Part Itself, you’ll have noticed, is strangely absent. That’s because it has retired shyly to its inner chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it
6) As you and Mr Hand wend your way deeper into the sheath, you will encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse’s reaction, invite yourself in . You are now in the inner sanctum of The Actual Private Part. It’s hiding in there towards the back, trying to pretend it isn’t there. Say hi and wave to it . No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of it. If the horse won’t drop, this is your only shot at removing whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part itself. So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty topsoil you find there. Use more water and more Excalibur if necessary to loosen attached gunk.
7) When Mr Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all around, there remains only one task: checking for, and removing, the bean. The bean is a pale, kidney-shaped accumulation of smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses accumulate a bean, but IME the majority do, even if they have no visible external smegma.
So: the equine urethra is fairly large diameter, and indeed will permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers inside the urethral opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what will feel like a lump or “pea” buried no more than, I dunno, perhaps 3/4″ in from the opening. If you do encounter a bean, gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger. This may require a little patience from BOTH Mr Hand AND the horse, but the horse will be happier and healthier once it’s accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for your finger to coax out, you might try what I did (in desperation) last month on the orange horse: Wrap thumb and index finger around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude the bean. Much to my surprise it worked and orange horse did NOT kill me for doing it and he does not seem to have suffered any permanant damage as a result ;-> I have never in my life seen another bean that enormous, though.
9) Ta-da, you are done! Say, “Good horsie” and feed him lots of carrots. Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands smell. Hmm. Well, perhaps there is ONE more step…
10) The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails arms elbows and wherever else it’s gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if you didn’t use gloves you may find you’ve got an unusual personal perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your horse’s sheath just before an important job interview or first date
and of course, there is that one FINAL step…
11) Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the kid from next door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you’ve just realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly watching the entire process.)
Now, go thou forth and clean that Part
Or you can just call the vet and pay him to do it
Ha Ha! I call the vet! My gelding is very good at shoving me REALLY HARD! I’ve only successfully gotten it done once! At a horse show, no less!
This was the best read ever! The exact thing I’m dreading with my new gelding, which I had noooo idea how to approach. Thanks for the break down!
Oh my gosh that was one of the funnier–and strangely informative–post replies!! I was considering buying a gelding but I am not sure Mr. Hand is up for it haha!! Thanks for the detailed info, I had NO idea how involved it was. We have mares :0)